<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>i don't need answers, i need you to stay by RinAngel</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25693417">i don't need answers, i need you to stay</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/RinAngel/pseuds/RinAngel'>RinAngel</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Day6 (Band), Nam Yoondo | Eric Nam (Musician)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Cheating, Closeted, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Idk this one's a little heavy, M/M, Sad Ending, Secret Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 07:26:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,977</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25693417</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/RinAngel/pseuds/RinAngel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Maybe I'm the one that we should blame, for never thinking we'd end up this way."</p><p>Loving Younghyun doesn't feel selfish, it feels like the way things are supposed to be. But loving Younghyun also seems to swallow up his autonomy, swallow up his voice, and leaves Eric with nothing but the pain at the end.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kang Younghyun | Young K/Nam Yoondo | Eric Nam, Kang Younghyun | Young K/Park Jimin (15&amp;)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i don't need answers, i need you to stay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There was always a moment of perfection when they finished, when Younghyuk collapsed, spent, against his chest. Tangled up together, hearts racing, chests heaving, with the smell of sex heavy in the air; Eric supposed he loved it because it was really the only time that he could kiss Younghyun without some kind of ulterior motive. Not a kiss to turn him on, or entice him to take his clothes off, or muffle their moans and keep the neighbors from hearing.</p><p>No, this was just a kiss. A kiss for the sake of kissing. </p><p>Then Younghyun pulled away, slowly, eyes fluttering open like he was waking up from a dream. That was the worst part, when his eyes focused in on Eric’s and suddenly the magic was gone. His front teeth worried his bottom lip while he searched for something to say, and as usual, there was nothing. He was going to leave, that was always the next part. Eric could count it down like clockwork. 5— 4— 3— 2— </p><p>“I should get going soon. I have to wake up early tomorrow, otherwise I’d stay, but…” Younghyun volunteered the information vaguely and let his voice taper off, tone laden with practiced regret. He wouldn’t have stayed. He never did, they both knew that by now. Disappointment made Eric’s eyes drift back closed, even as Younghyun sat up and fumbled for his discarded clothes. “A few of us are gonna grab dinner and drinks tomorrow night. You know, me, Jamie, and a few of the guys. If you wanted to come…” Younghyun hesitated, just long enough to be uncomfortable. “I mean, you <em> should </em> come. We don’t see you enough anymore.”</p><p>He stood, back turned to Eric as he pulled on his boxers— inadvertently giving Eric another couple seconds to take in the bright red marks from his nails dragging down Younghyun’s back. They would probably fade before the morning, before Jamie could see them, but at least Eric could see them now.</p><p>Did that make him a bad friend? Yes. <em> Yes. </em> There was no cushioning that one. A bad friend to everyone involved, motivated by selfish reasons, <em> but loving Younghyun doesn’t feel selfish. It feels like the way things are supposed to be. </em></p><p>Then again, Eric had loved Younghyun for a long time.</p><p>Yeah, he’d meet them for drinks. The agreement tasted bitter in his mouth, and it was hard to swallow, his throat strangely choked. He probably would. If only to keep up appearances in front of all their friends. If only to hope for the moment when Sungjin and Jae would go to the bar to order another round, and Jamie would disappear into the crowd to say hi to an old friend, and Eric could put his blinders on and pretend.</p><p>Coping was simply ducking from one moment of perfection to the next and trying to ignore all the pain in between. But as long as Younghyun kept needing him every once in awhile, he could handle that. Or at least, that’s what he’d tell himself.</p><p>//</p><p>
  <em> “I miss kissing.” </em>
</p><p>It had started the way that most bad ideas start: with a vague proposition and one too many shots of soju. Younghyun had been single for a year already— his last ex-girlfriend, Nayeon, had left him in the whirlwind of his college thesis work, and finding someone else had just never happened. Eric could relate, having been single for his entire stint in Korea. He hadn’t kissed anyone since just before his graduation from university— an <em> embarrassingly </em>long time ago, all the way back in the states.</p><p><em> I’d kiss you, if I had the balls. I really would. </em>The thought made him chuckle, and when Younghyun poured him another drink and asked him bluntly what was so funny, Eric panicked himself into telling the less embarrassing of his two embarrassing realizations.</p><p><em> “Before you moved to Korea? Dude, you’ve been here for five years! Damn. I guess I have no reason to complain, then.” </em> Younghyun smirked anyway, softening the blow of his proverbial jab in the ribs. <em> “But I still miss kissing. Girls are just… I don’t know. They’re so </em> soft. <em> It’s great.” </em></p><p>Eric couldn't relate, and he chuckled again. When Younghyun’s eyes narrowed in inquisition, Eric couldn’t help himself. It was something he’d never spoken about with his Korean friends outright, though he was certain that none of them would care too much. So he told him.</p><p><em> “Wait, a dude? Really?!” </em> Younghyun seemed <em> too </em> surprised, which was probably more his intoxication than anything. He leaned on the table to get closer, voice dropping quieter so as not to carry across the bar. <em> “I can’t picture you doing something like that! Did he kiss you, or did you kiss him?” </em></p><p>Eric didn’t have the courage to kiss him. Eric didn’t have the balls to kiss <em> anyone. </em> He told him so, and Younghyun snorted.</p><p>
  <em> “Dunno why. You’re really cute.” </em>
</p><p>Eric was so desensitized to the word <em> cute </em> that he really didn’t think twice about it. Yes, he was cute. Cute, soft, non-threatening, probably asexual in everyone’s eyes but his own. (A virgin, though he would never admit that to Younghyun. He’d tell him a lot of other things, but not that.) It was hard to think about himself as a love interest. Not to girls, and <em> especially </em> not to boys. He didn’t get a response when he brought this up— the younger only shrugged before he knocked back his shot of soju like a pro.</p><p>
  <em> “You’re really cute.” </em>
</p><p>The words carried a different weight later, when a drunk Eric was stuck helping a <em> very </em> drunk Younghyun into bed. Maybe it was the intimacy of Younghyun’s dark bedroom— though they’d been alone in there a million times prior, working on song lyrics together, both sprawled out across Younghyun’s bed. This time, even Younghyun’s eyes in the dark had him flustered, and he was about to tell his friend (his <em> crush) </em> to stop acting like an idiot, until Younghyun grabbed him by the front of the shirt and kissed him.</p><p><em> Younghyun </em> kissed <em> him </em> first. Eric would never forget it— his lips still icy cold from the walk home, touched with the flavor of the soju that he’d drank, along with something sweet that Eric would soon know as simply the taste of Younghyun. He was bewildered, brain short-circuited and body frozen until Younghyun laughed quietly against his lips.</p><p><em> “You’re a bad kisser, Eric.” </em> Younghyun’s tone was warm and affectionate in a way that he couldn’t place. Whatever it was, it made him shiver, made him feel hot from head to toe. <em> “Out of practice?” </em> Eric could do nothing but nod, and in the dim light from the hallway, he could make out Younghyun’s gentle smile. <em> “Follow my lead, then. Open your mouth a little. Like this.” </em> He cupped Eric’s chin with surprising delicacy, thumb tugging at his bottom lip, and Eric obeyed timidly.</p><p>This kiss wasn’t cold. It was as hot as it was <em> heated, </em> brimming with excitement, clumsy but exhilarated. Younghyun’s tongue tracing the curve of his bottom lip. His hand sliding down Eric’s side, over the subtle curve of his hip, almost seeming to forget for the moment that he wasn’t kissing a girl. It didn’t seem to put him off, though, and he didn’t back up when Eric’s hands slid under his shirt, exploring the soft skin beneath.</p><p>
  <em> “You good?” </em>
</p><p>He was. Just a second after he managed to nod, his back hit the mattress.</p><p>
  <em> “Do you want to?” </em>
</p><p>He did. <em> God, </em> did he ever. He wanted to tell Younghyun just how many months he’d been picturing this, a thousand first kisses in a thousand different ways and places. None of his fantasies had involved Younghyun being drunk and desperate and sad about Nayeon, but hey— maybe this would be the moment that would turn things around. Maybe this was the kind of sad moment that would sow a new beginning.</p><p>With this little scrap of hope in mind, Eric nodded again, and after that, there was no more conversation.</p><p>//</p><p>Waking up the next morning had been surreal. Younghyun, passed out naked. Eric, fuzzy-headed and bewildered, neck and collarbones littered with reminders of Younghyun’s teeth. Particles of the memory hung in the air before him, so precious and sweet, willing Eric to close his eyes and indulge again.</p><p>
  <em> “Am I doing a good job, hyung? Does it feel good? Weird question, but I kind of want to suck your dick. Is that okay?” </em>
</p><p>Yes. Eric shivered. Yes, <em> yes, </em> it had been <em> more </em> than okay. Suddenly, wanting Younghyun was no longer a shameful burden. Suddenly, Younghyun wanted him too. How lucky was that? How <em> perfect </em> was that? Thinking about it made his heart swell in his chest. He couldn’t wait for Younghyun to wake up, to look over at him, remember what they’d shared.</p><p>They’d kiss again, and it would be just like in the movies, neither of them would care that they’d just woken up and they were both hungover. They’d kiss for a long time, until the need for coffee won out, and they’d stare lovingly into each other’s eyes while they waited for the pot to brew, and Younghyun would tell him that he’d been waiting all <em> his </em> life for something like this, too.</p><p>But when Younghyun actually opened his eyes and looked over at Eric, it wasn’t a spark of remembrance in his eyes. It was a flat, unreadable expression, eyes puffy and narrow with sleep, chapped lips parted as though about to speak. It was a look that made Eric’s stomach sink, and he was trying desperately to assemble an apology in his alcohol-throttled mind, until Younghyun heaved himself out of bed and ran to the bathroom to throw up.</p><p>Eric didn’t stick around to see how that turned out.</p><p>//</p><p>It was a few days before Eric heard from Younghyun again.</p><p>
  <em> “I’m so fucking sorry. I feel like I took advantage of you. I feel like a fucking scumbag. I don’t even know what to say.” </em>
</p><p>How was he supposed to respond to that? It felt like an awfully short text, given the hell of anxiety that Eric had been sucked into over the weekend. He couldn’t even bring himself to respond to Sungjin or Jae’s texts, too nervous to find out what they might have heard or inferred.</p><p>
  <em> “I just feel crazy when I’m alone for too long. I just felt like I needed it. I know that’s a shitty excuse. Sorry. I know it’s late. I’ll stop texting you.” </em>
</p><p>That was enough to kick Eric’s mind into motion. No matter how frazzled he was, how scared, how angry and confused and hurt, there was one thing that would stay true: he didn’t want to lose Younghyun, either.</p><p>Damn, it was going to hurt to go back to being friends now that he knew what Younghyun’s kisses tasted like, though.</p><p><em> “Don’t stop texting me,” </em> Eric replied, fingers shaking. <em> “I’m here.” </em>He didn’t know why, but it was the truth, and he couldn’t see it changing, even if everything else did.</p><p>//</p><p>In a group, it was easy to act like nothing was up— and with as many friends as they had in common, it wasn’t hard to dodge one-on-one time together. Eric still came along to watch all of DAY6’s gigs (often K-pop covers in Itaewon nowadays— hey, they had to keep rent money coming in somehow) and usually joined them for drinks afterwards, laughing and joking with the guys as though nothing had changed. On free weekends, they would gather at Jae’s house and watch bad movies, or take day trips to the beach and barbeque together, or <em> very </em> rarely, go clubbing as a reminder that they were all shitty dancers.</p><p>But almost every time, Eric and Younghyun ended up alone by the end. Eric would call it a night and Younghyun would ask for a ride home, or else they’d take the bus and one of them would point out that his apartment was a long ways away, that it was easier to spend the night together.</p><p>When they were alone, the apologies and awkwardness from the first time were all but meaningless.</p><p><em> “I’m scared that I’m going to mess this up,” </em> Younghyun had whispered breathlessly once, the third or fourth time that they hooked up. Cheeks flushed with soju, eyes glazed over and far-away, lips bitten and pink. <em> “This is okay, right? To just— fuck around?” </em></p><p>Oh, the <em> timing. </em> Eric wanted to tell him that this empty facsimile of a relationship was worthless to him. He wanted to plead Younghyun to stay afterwards— because since the first time, all their hookups had been at Eric’s apartment, meaning that Younghyun could slip out without a trace after Eric fell asleep. That was the worst part, the <em> worst </em> part. He might have even been able to forgive the <em> uncertainty </em>of the relationship, as long as they could wake up together in the morning. But he wasn’t about to say any of this while we was painfully hard and down to just his boxers, body trembling in anticipation of Younghyun’s fingers and lips.</p><p>One more time. One more time, it would be okay, and then Eric would tell him. One more time, and then it would be over, he’d cut him off, that would be that. But one more time was fine.</p><p><em> “Okay. Good.” </em>Eric must have been convincing enough, or maybe Younghyun just wasn’t paying enough attention. His lips went straight for Eric’s neck, seeming to remember where and how he liked to be kissed: gently down the side of his neck, Younghyun’s tongue dipping into the depression of his clavicle, nibbles at the base of his throat that made his breath pick up. Rough play and animalistic desperation did nothing for him. He liked being treated like he was loved and treasured— but that all went out the window when Younghyun bit him firmly on the shoulder and made his cock jolt to life in his underwear.</p><p>
  <em> “Wanna fuck you. I wanna fuck you so bad, hyung…” </em>
</p><p>Eric’s breath caught in his throat, eyes fluttering closed, but instinctively, his legs spread further. There would be no going back if he let himself be so vulnerable in front of Younghyun, but there was an <em> excitement </em> to that notion. A spark of possibility. Maybe if Eric felt it, Younghyun would feel it, too. Maybe taking the plunge would show Younghyun what this meant to him. Maybe when he woke up the next morning, he wouldn’t be by himself.</p><p>Every part of their relationship was defined by an idealistic hope, a <em> maybe. </em>That was why it was doomed to fail.</p><p>//</p><p>
  <em> “Jamie? Her family goes to church with my family. We’ve known each other for a long time. It’s not like there’s anything going on between us, we’re just friends.” </em>
</p><p>He couldn’t be sure, but Eric had the vaguest suspicion that Younghyun was lying.</p><p>Their circle of friends had always been transparent with each other— they’d met all of Jae’s exes, even the shittiest ones, and Dowoon had divulged to them that his best friend from middle school was now a minor, minor, <em> minor </em> idol signed to a label that none of them had ever heard of. Eric might have left out the details of his lackluster love life (and no way in <em> hell </em> was he telling them about his hookups with Younghyun almost every weekend) but his friends had heard stories from his childhood in America, and of course, tales of the crazy friends that he’d ran with in high school. So when Younghyun posted a handful of pictures to his Instagram of himself, getting <em> awfully </em> close to a beautiful girl with bright purple hair, it seemed strange to Eric that a <em> Jamie </em> had never been mentioned before. Maybe he was being paranoid, though. Maybe he was looking too much into the way that Younghyun fiddled with his bass strings as he spoke and avoided everyone’s eyes.</p><p>But there was nothing that he could say when Jamie showed up at one of DAY6’s shows, greeting him after the show with an unrestrained kiss on the lips and a pair of arms flung around his shoulders. She only came up to his shoulders, she had to pop up on her toes to do so. It was a perfectly adorable height difference, and it made Eric sick to his stomach. As the rest of the band picked a table to set up camp and finish out their drunken Saturday night, with Jamie snuggled up to Younghyun’s arm, Eric quietly excused himself to the bathroom and slipped out through the backstage exit.</p><p>Eric had never cried over Younghyun before, but in his car, he <em> sobbed. </em> He’d only managed to sell himself so short, settling for <em> friends with benefits, </em> because he’d talked himself into believing that <em> more </em> was a possibility in the future. How stupid had he been, letting a guy string him along who could barely look him in the eye after they’d had sex? Didn’t he deserve someone who wasn’t ashamed to wake up beside him the next morning?</p><p><em> “Fucker,” </em> he’d whispered at last, jamming the key angrily into the ignition. Cursing felt euphoric— when was the last time he’d vented his feelings? It felt like he’d been going all this time with his mouth taped shut, and now that he’d peeled back the corner, he was opening the floodgates. <em> “Fucking prick. Lying sack of dogshit. I can’t fucking believe how much nerve he has.” </em></p><p>He drove himself home, feeling liberated, and had approximately an hour of peace before the doorbell buzzed. Past midnight, Eric knew he should have just left well enough alone and gone to bed, but… well, okay, maybe there <em> was </em> a masochistic streak in him. For some reason, when he got up to answer, his mind went to Younghyun’s teeth sinking possessively into his shoulder again.</p><p>
  <em> “What do you want, Younghyun? It’s late.” </em>
</p><p>Younghyun knew that Eric was upset, that much was clear. He didn’t seem to be able to lift his eyes from Eric’s feet, which could have been adorable if Eric weren’t so goddamn <em> mad. “Wanted to talk,” </em> he said simply, his lips pressed together nervously for a second. <em> “I swear, I’m not drunk. I’m— I’m fucking confused.” </em></p><p>
  <em> “Yeah, so am I. I don’t think this is a good time.” </em>
</p><p>Eric was proud of his self-control. Maybe it was a minuscule thing, to turn Younghyun away, but it felt like he were giving up a free dose of his drug of choice. Saying no was a step towards recovery— though saying no was difficult when Younghyun stopped the door from closing with his foot wedged up to the door frame.</p><p>
  <em> “Look. I just want to be honest with you. Jamie is the daughter of my parents’ friends. My parents really like her and thought we’d hit it off, and— we did, kinda. But I think my parents are hoping I’ll wanna settle down and marry her, and it freaks me out, and— hyung, I wasn’t lying to you! I wasn’t!” </em>
</p><p>Why did Younghyun sound so uniquely adorable, calling him <em> hyung? </em> All the others did it, too, but it only tugged on his heart when it was Younghyun.</p><p><em> “I’m not ready for things to change, but right now, they have to. One way or another. Either I give Jamie a chance, or I tell my parents that I like guys, and then… and then, I don’t know. Best case scenario, they pray over it until I’m cured. Worst case scenario… my dad kills me? I don’t know, I don’t fucking </em>know.”</p><p>Eric’s desire to scream obscenities at him and throw him out into the street was almost unmatched. Except maybe by his desire to pull Younghyun close, squeeze him tight, and tell him that he understood. <em> I came out to my parents, too. My parents hated me for it, too. I wouldn’t wish that pain on my worst enemy, and I would never wish that pain on you. </em> But before he could make up his mind, before he could say any of it, Younghyun’s fingers were twined with his and they were kissing again, standing in the open doorway of his apartment where any neighbor could step out and see.</p><p>Younghyun tasted like whiskey, Eric realized in that moment. There was no way he was anything <em> but </em> drunk. Eric opened his mouth to protest, to tell him <em> no, </em> but as it always happened, Younghyun opened his mouth at the exact same time and swallowed his tongue, and Eric was left with no choice but to pull him inside by his jacket and lock the door behind him.</p><p>//</p><p>The red marks on Younghyun’s back were calling to him. Eric should have dug his claws in deeper. Should have drawn blood. Should have left something Jamie wouldn’t be able to ignore. It made him sick to think that way now, after all the months that he’d known her. She was a sweet girl, truly… but as wrong as he knew it was, Eric would still snatch up Younghyun away from her in a heartbeat, if he could.</p><p>
  <em> If he told me he loved me back, I’d still drop everything for him. I guess that’s what they mean by crazy in love. </em>
</p><p>Younghyun dressed himself in a hurry, seeming finally unnerved by the silence in the room. They were magnets, drawn together, until the sex was done and the spell was broken— and then it seemed like they both felt worse than they started. Why, then, did Eric keep wanting it? Why was he wasting the energy to get out of bed and follow him?</p><p>“Younghyun.”</p><p>“Hyung?” Younghyun turned around shyly, blinking at Eric in the dark. Still so pretty, with the blush barely detectable on his pale cheeks, bottom lip caught between his teeth. A wave of pure terror washed over Eric, all of a sudden, standing there in front of Younghyun bare-ass naked with tears in his eyes and the same lump in his throat that he’d had since the very, very beginning. Younghyun seemed to realize at last what was happening and took a step back, but Eric grabbed his wrist <em> hard </em> and he stopped. Their eyes locked. So pretty, so afraid.</p><p>“Stay,” Eric pleaded quietly. It was the single word he’d been searching for all this time, and finally breathing it into existence felt like catharsis. Eric had never been great with words - Younghyun was the lyricist, after all - but this word felt like the perfect one. The kiss that followed was perfect, too, passionate but tentative, intense but delicate, just like all the feelings it contained. Younghyun kissed back like he couldn't stop himself, and it gave Eric a feverish burst of hope.</p><p>“Please stay. I can’t take this anymore. I need you. Please stay.”</p><p>Eyes connected, fingers twined, breath so close that Eric could still taste it— uneven gasps, like the cusp of tears. <em> His own tears. </em> Eric didn’t know he was crying until his vision blurred, and for one hopeful, heart-melting moment, Younghyun pulled him close and pressed his face into Eric’s hair. <em> Stay. Yes. Stay. </em></p><p>“I’m sorry, hyung. I never meant for this to happen.”</p><p>As fast as it had come, the warmth disappeared. The grip on his waist disintegrated into nothing. Younghyun had made his choice, and in that moment, Eric’s heart felt like an ice cube squeezed into a handful of salt. The next breath that he drew was excruciating. This time, Younghyun had gotten a good look at the wreckage he’d left behind in Eric’s heart, and… well, maybe he just didn’t need it in the same way. Maybe he just wasn’t ready. Or maybe he just <em> didn’t care. </em></p><p>The only sign that he’d felt anything were the teardrops clinging to Eric’s hair, but those were as good as nothing. Meaningless, empty tears.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>